CreepyGuy: Creepy & Bizarre Humor

Swine Flu CONSPIRACY

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 12:50:00 +0000

Whatever you've heard about this SWINE FLU thing is WRONG. Turns out that there is a huge conspiracy to cover up what is REALLY happening.

I read this on the web, so it must be TRUE. This H1N1 thing turns people into ZOMBIES. Yeah, really ZOMBIES. That's why there's so much panic over it.

I asked my friend Clyde about it. He was pretty hard to understand cuz he was COUGHING and SNEEZING a lot. He said it was all true because he'd read it on the web somewhere.

So I'm gonna HOLE UP in my apartment with all the TINNED FOOD I can find. I'm not allowed to have FIREARMS so I'm gonna improvise something with LEAD PELLETS and a VACUUM CLEANER. Those zombies better WATCH OUT!

O'Bama

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:12:00 +0000

I am still trying to catch up with stuff after being away. This new Irish guy, O'BAMA seems to be a good friend to America. I often see him talking about stuff going on over here. Perhaps he doesn't have enough to do in the EMERALD ISLE?

Back from "sabbatical"

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 00:24:00 +0000

So, I've been away for a little while.

One day I suppose I will look back at it all and laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" I will go. "HAHAHAHAHAHA".

It is important to keep your spirits up. So, I have been on sabbatical for a couple of years in a caribbean resort at the taxpayer's expense.

The story starts like this. I had completely run outta clean clothes, and the only thing I had left was my ORANGE JUMPSUIT from the funfair. Clean clothers are important. With my interests they get grubby real quick.

Anyway as it turns out I had run outta razor blades too. I was kinda stubbly. Kinda six months stubbly. Anyway, there was nothing for it but I was gonna have to visit my MOM on the bus with a big bag of LAUNDRY cuz the Gremlin was still broke.

It gets a bit vague after that. I must have fallen asleep, but the next thing I knew I was on a plane to Gitmo. Something about mistaken identity they said later. A really LONG TIME LATER in fact. A REALLY REALLY LONG TIME LATER.

Anyway, I'm back and the nice men in the black SUVs paid the back rent for my apartment, got me a new computer with something called VISTA which is really cool apart from the SUCKY BITS which it turns out it ALL OF IT. They also said that I would get the next AMC GREMLIN off the production line which is nice.

Sex

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 13:06:00 +0000

There's far too much SEX on TV and the Internet. Nasty deviant stuff. I was shocked at how easy it was to get hold of once I'd borrowed the AMEX from my former employer along with the CEO's laptop.
I started by searching for SUSAN SARANDON NAKED but frankly there wasn't much to see, so I tried the CEO's search history instead.
Wowsers. I didn't understand most of it.
RUBBER NUNS
PIGEON FANCIERS
NASAL SEX
CONDOLEEZZA RICE NUDE
LATEX GIMP OUTFITS
REMOTE CONTROL CHASTITY BELTS
PINK SLIPS
The last one seemed to be the most disturbing. So I decided to watch the DISCOVERY CHANNEL which appears to be a CRADLE OF BESTIALITY or something. At least I now understand

Hamsters

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Fri, 24 Mar 2006 00:24:00 +0000

I had a hamster when I was a kid. It died.

That made me angry - my hamster shouldn't have died, that was wrong. BAD HAMSTER. So I decided no one else should have a hamster either. So I broke into the pet store and put poison in the hamster feed.

You shoulda heard the other kids crying.

I still have some in my collection of Dead Things.

Mice

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 22:14:00 +0000

Mice.. well lets put it this way between my CAT and the 73 MOUSE TRAPS I have about the place they stand NO CHANCE.
I know I have them NESTING in the walls.... I suppose I could have them EXTERMINATED but then I'd miss the sounds of the traps going off at night.
Besides, it's kinda fun to get LIVE ones and post them to neighbors through the mail. They don't always make it through ALIVE, either way it's still pretty funny!

Alcohol

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sun, 01 Jan 2006 07:00:00 +0000

Yeah well I used to drink I admit.

It's kinda EXPENSIVE though, I used to spend a lot of money at the liquor store and they sort of insisted that I pay for stuff, sometimes by waving a HANDGUN at me. Well there's no freaking need for that I would tell them.

After that I used to bum some THUNDERBIRD and stuff off vagrants. It was OK but you had to put it in a beaker or something cuz the next of the bottle tasted all CHEESY.

Trouble is if you have too much of the stuff you can't remember what you've been up to and frankly you can wake up in a strange tree in a strange neighborhood too many times. And I damn near broke my binoculars too.

There's gotta be a better way to relax I told myself, but then I found that Leave it to Beaver is on TV 4 times a day which is pretty cool.

Buckets

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sun, 25 Dec 2005 21:06:00 +0000

Buckets are great.. you can keep all sort of THINGS in them. Although it's probably best to throw them out if they die cuz they start to SMELL BAD.

I keep the buckets of things in the cellar. Last time the guy from the POWER COMPANY came by to check the meters, he went down into the cellar and came straight back up again, got in his TRUCK and drove off VERY quickly.

I reported him for driving TOO FAST.
Funny, they still haven't billed me yet. Ah well that's ENRON for yah.

Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Tue, 01 Nov 2005 07:58:00 +0000

Mostly I like to stay IN for Halloween cuz it gets COLD outside.
Kiddies dressed up as GHOSTS and GHOULS don't scare me much anyway - besides you can have much more FUN inside..
I especially like TRICK or TREAT. When the kiddies call round I like to give them some special JELLO which is green (lime! yum!) and has what look like CANDY WORMS in it..
..only they AIN'T CANDY! If you get the timing right some of them will still be MOVING about some. Some of them hide in corners and RETCH for hours!!!
Anyway.. what's with this hollowed out HEAD thing with a candle in it? That's GROSS! What would you think if I scooped out a REAL HEAD and shoved a candle in it? That would be FUNNIER! Maybe I can get one from the graveyard!

Food

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 19:00:00 +0000

What's the point unless it tastes good?

Pizza is great though I also like burger and fries, egg and fries, egg and Cheerios, egg and burger, egg and pineapple pizza. Hey I guess I like eggs a LOT but you gotta know that they don't HATCH no matter how long you leave them!!

Some people are vegetarians. Well, fries are vegetables but frankly I don't much like that GREEN MUCK they eat. I get it sometimes as garnish if I get a takeout. I feed it to my slugs.

Now I hear that people wanne SUE McDonalds for making them FAT. Yeah cuz like getting FAT is something that happens OVERNIGHT and that maybe SIX burgers a day was a BAD FREAKING IDEA. They'd be better off SUING their parents for giving 'em STUPID genes.

George Dubya Bush

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sun, 21 Aug 2005 23:12:00 +0000

My kinda guy - who needs stinking foreigners anyway? I always SAID we should bomb the bastards in alphabetic ORDER and Dubya agrees with me and flattened those commie bastards in AFGHANISTAN. Uh next is is ALBANIA then ALGERIA then someplace called AMERICAN SAMOA.. well we should bomb 'em for STEALING our FREAKIN name. And then ANDORRA wherever that is. ANGOLA. ANGUILLA (the same place SURELY?). Uh if you're a RED COMMIE SCUM yah better move to ZIMBABWE.
And all this moaning by pinko liberals about saving the planet. Nuke 'em all, this is OUR freaking planet and we'll do what we like! Using NUKES will PROTECT AMERICAN JOBS and that's what's IMPORTANT!
Hah hah CALIFORNIA so much for ZERO EMISSIONS. We don't have a ZERO EMISSIONS nuke for yah so you'll have to make do with this freakin DIRTY BIG one instead.
Go Dubya!

Cars

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Mon, 04 Jul 2005 04:11:00 +0000

This is my car. It costs me a LOT of money and it doesn't work all the time. I have a guy comes round to fix it about once a fortnight.

He said he wasn't gonna come round any more until he showed me some MONEY. I decided to show him the inside of the TRUNK. After going on a little country DRIVE he decided I did't owe him any money any more. Trouble is, he won't come and fix the car now. GRRRR.

Luckily I've been SAVING money to buy a new AMC GREMLIN but all the AMC dealers have gone. WHY?! Gremlins are the coolest cars out there, unless you need load space, in which case you can't beat a HEARSE.

Someone suggested one of those MP3 player thingies as being really cool for it. Frankly I don't see what's WRONG with a record player on the back seat like everyone else has.

Travel

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sun, 01 May 2005 19:22:00 +0000

I like to travel. On the bus or on the train.

I'll probably sit next to you, even if there is plenty of space. Maybe I'll try to come home with you.

Here's something you can do: I like to pretend to fall ASLEEP and DROOL on the person sitting next to me. Most of the time they're too embarrased to try to move you off. I dribbled on someone for two hours once on the Amtrak. Their jacket a a HUGE damp patch all over the shoulder. I think they had a business meeting or something.

This is another GREAT trick to do on a long journey: wait until someone else falls asleep and start to sing.. but do it slightly out of KEY. Or do some raspy breathing but stop when they wake up. If you have some WATER or something, try making a damp patch on their trousers!! Heheh.

Graveyards

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Thu, 24 Mar 2005 00:05:00 +0000

To be honest these aren't FUN places to be at night cuz it's DARK and you might fall down a hole. And let me tell you, Buffy doesn't hang around in MY local graveyard.

Also I ain't never seen any vampires, zombies or otherwise UNDEAD hanging around. Sometimes I see people DIGGING for stuff. I leave them alone - they're a bit CREEPY.
Here's a good trick though: get some plastic hands from a joke shop or shop dummies or something and then PLANT them in the ground near the headstones. Man I never knew people could SCREAM so loud!

Uh oh yeah and an important thing to remember - never let your DOG eat anything it finds if you're taking it for a WALK.

The Mall

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sat, 01 Jan 2005 12:12:00 +0000

I like to hang around the mall. I can stay there for hours. Staring. You've probably seen me.
I like the mall. Sometimes they try to move me on but they know I'll always come back, so they quit bothering me in the end.
I like to watch people. I try to smile at them and make eye contact but they always seem to ignore me, which makes me sad. One day I will make them pay attention.
Shopping carts are good. When no-one is looking I loosen the wheels so they don't go in a straight line. I also like to leave rubbish in the bottom of them.

Slugs

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Thu, 11 Nov 2004 17:02:00 +0000

Slugs are kinda fun. They don't do much by themselves but you can lighten up a boring day with them.
For a while I used to work in a shoe shop. It was pretty dull, so I used to liven it up a bit by bringing slugs in and putting them in peoples shoes. Most of them never said anything even though they could feel the things OOZING between their toes. I don't work there any more.
Now I go to the park and climb up one of the trees. I'm pretty good at flicking the things and sunbathers now. They scream a lot.
Please note: slugs do not taste good. Do not try to eat them.

Cats

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sat, 30 Oct 2004 22:59:00 +0000

I have a CAT. It brings in DEAD THINGS.

But when I try to hold it, it scratches me and spits. That makes me ANGRY so I chase it with a broom.

I keep the Dead Things in the freezer in case I need them later. Some of them aren't always quite dead before I put them in. They sure are when they come out!!

It kinda looks after itself though. Which is good cuz I sometimes forget to feed it the right kind of slop. It doesn't LIKE what I eat. Oh year and FURBALLS are a real treat when you FIND 'em COUGHED UP in the dark with your BARE FEET.

I wonder if I should give my cat a name?

Dead things

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Wed, 01 Sep 2004 18:52:00 +0000

Everybody keeps DEAD THINGS in their refrigerators so I don't know what all the fuss is about. Yeah OK it's mostly VEGETABLES and stuff.

There seems to be a great tradition on the INTERNET of listing the contents of people's refrigerators and freezer so here goes:

A pack of super-economy hamburgers

Two halves of cats (front ends)

Frozen Pizza

A skunk (fresh)

Three groundhogs

37 Eggs

Six deep-frozen hamsters

Slugs and snails

Puppy dogs tails

A hubcab from an AMC Gremlin

Entrails (mixed)

Enbalming fluid (six pack)

Microwave fries

A locked metal box, contents unknown

String

K-Y jelly (plain, not flavored)

Jello (flavored, not plain)

Dogs

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sat, 07 Aug 2004 22:50:00 +0000

They say a dog is a man's best friend. Well let me TELL YOU PAL - NO FREAKING FRIEND OF MINE EATS HIS DINNER OFF THE FLOOR. (Apart from CLYDE that is but then he has ISSUES with tables. Weird guy if you ask me).

WOOF FREAKIN' WOOF. Watch out for the CHILLI-COATED FRISBEE, FIDO! Harharhar.
Frankly what use is a DOG anyway? If I wanna FRIGHTEN the MAILMAN I can do it MYSELF.

I'm pretty good at chasing CATS too come to think of it.
(By the way I found out that a HOT DOG should contain no actual real DOG)

Viagra

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Fri, 02 Jul 2004 23:29:00 +0000

I get a LOAD of emails about VIAGRA, but personally I've never BOTHERED because I can get quite aroused by HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS such as aerosol cheese, comfy chairs and a Susan Sarandon video.
One of the more crappy jobs I had after the funfair was acting as a low-grade GOPHER for some multinational corporation with dodgy accounting practices. For some really stupid reason, I'd been ENTRUSTED with the company AMEX, so when I got one of the VIAGRA mails I decided to order some.
Well, one day we had these BRITS over and I had to go and make TEA for some big meeting, and frankly I was PISSED cuz I wanted to surf for piccies of Susan Sarandon, but OH NO they said they must have some TEA.
Yeah well, by COINCIDENCE this load of VIAGRA turned up that morning and there's me making this FRIGGIN' TEA and staring at this VIAGRA and then I get this IDEA and I grind some of the VIAGRA down and dissolve it in this DARNED TEA.
Now.. I went down to see my mate RAMBO DAVE in the security office to watch the camera in the room. It was SOOOO funny because none of the men dared get up because they were making a TENT in the TROUSER DEPARTMENT.
They were there for HOURS and then the wanted some MORE TEA. Heheh. Shame about the other SIDE EFFECTS. Next time I'd better try something Herbal cuz the police are getting suspicious.

The Funfair

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sat, 01 May 2004 22:48:00 +0000

I used to work at the FUNFAIR. Yeah well I had FUN anyway. I used to work the carousel. People would get on it and expect to have a nice time. HAHAH.

Personally I thought it was a bit SLOW and would be more FUN if it was FASTER so I used to make the carousel go FASTER and FASTER until everyone had so much fun that they were SICK.

And as it used to go round and round FASTER and FASTER I shouted "Are yah having FUN yet? ARE YAH? ARE YAH?"

Eventually the ride OWNERS decided that I was giving people waaay too much FUN so they fired me. So I loosened all the safety bolts on the ride. Yeah that's what I call FUN.

TV

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Wed, 24 Mar 2004 01:45:00 +0000

Some people like to stay in and watch TV all the time. I think that ain't healthy, and I like to get out, especially to the MALL where it's cool to hang around.

Besides the TV is just trying to tell you what to THINK and is basically a DANGEROUS influence. There's only a couple of things worth seeing.

One of these is PUBLIC ACCESS. One day I might even have my own show! This is where all the stuff is shown that the government don't want you to know about, like the alien consipiries and stuff. Oh yeah and the stuff behind food additives.

The other thing I like is Leave it to Beaver. They rerun that most days. They say that somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropracter is viewing Leave it to Beaver. I don't know why they say that. I once phoned all the chiropracters and asked them and they kinda got upset.

The internet

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sat, 07 Feb 2004 19:42:00 +0000

The internet is cool cuz there's all sorts of wierd stuff out there.
Some people put their whole lives on the internet which is kinda peculiar. Quite a lot of people THINK they have something to say.. I guess they think they're pretty cool or something having a web page.

Chatrooms are great too cuz you can pretend to be anybody you like. I pretend to be me which is kinda odd I know but it still freaks people out.

This is a conversation between me and a guy called txn145600.
txn145600: so what do you like to do creepyguy?
CreepyGuy: OH I like animals and stuff I guess.
txn145600: you got pets or something?
CreepyGuy: Yeah I gotta cat. Some other stuff too but the cat tends to eat them mostly.
txn145600: rotfl!
CreepyGuy: What the heck does that mean?
txn145600: rolls on the floor laughing
CreepyGuy: Nah I prefer to see you rolling on the floor in agony with a major arterial bleed.
txn145600: woah dude i didn't mean to offend
CreepyGuy: No offence taken, just it get's kinda boring on your own. Hey look you left your address on your profile! What kinda windows you got? Do they open easily?
CreepyGuy: Hello?
Previous message was not received by txn145600 because of error: User 145600 is not
available.

Smoking

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Sat, 07 Feb 2004 00:26:00 +0000

Yeah yeah that's REAL CLEVER cuz it's a really good idea to pump all that TOXIC WASTE through your lungs.
You may as well go set fire to some CAR TIRES and just inhale that instead. Plus it makes you smell REAL BAD.
I saw those pictures of animals made to smoke on TV so I tried it on my CAT. It nearly took my freaking ARM off. That's how dangerous smoking is!!!
PS: I found that a lot of people want to see PICTURES of ANIMALS SMOKING. You can find my favorite picture of smoking animals RIGHT HERE.

Welcome to my world

noreply@blogger.com (CreepyGuy) — Tue, 06 Jan 2004 22:54:00 +0000

You've probably seen me around. In the MALL, on the BUS. When you glance behind you. Maybe I'm that noise you hear in the trees at night. Perhaps I work in the cubicle next to you. Perhaps I AM you and you just don't know it yet.

Some people think I'm STRANGE but there are some REALLY strange things out there. I hope to show you some of them...

Please leave your SHOES outside and DON'T check inside them before you put them back on. Welcome to MY world. I just have one question for you. ARE YAH SCARED YET? ARE YAH? ARE YAH?