Back from "sabbatical"

So, I've been away for a little while.

One day I suppose I will look back at it all and laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" I will go. "HAHAHAHAHAHA".

It is important to keep your spirits up. So, I have been on sabbatical for a couple of years in a caribbean resort at the taxpayer's expense.

The story starts like this. I had completely run outta clean clothes, and the only thing I had left was my ORANGE JUMPSUIT from the funfair. Clean clothers are important. With my interests they get grubby real quick.

Anyway as it turns out I had run outta razor blades too. I was kinda stubbly. Kinda six months stubbly. Anyway, there was nothing for it but I was gonna have to visit my MOM on the bus with a big bag of LAUNDRY cuz the Gremlin was still broke.

It gets a bit vague after that. I must have fallen asleep, but the next thing I knew I was on a plane to Gitmo. Something about mistaken identity they said later. A really LONG TIME LATER in fact. A REALLY REALLY LONG TIME LATER.

Anyway, I'm back and the nice men in the black SUVs paid the back rent for my apartment, got me a new computer with something called VISTA which is really cool apart from the SUCKY BITS which it turns out it ALL OF IT. They also said that I would get the next AMC GREMLIN off the production line which is nice.

Cars

This is my car. It costs me a LOT of money and it doesn't work all the time. I have a guy comes round to fix it about once a fortnight.

He said he wasn't gonna come round any more until he showed me some MONEY. I decided to show him the inside of the TRUNK. After going on a little country DRIVE he decided I did't owe him any money any more. Trouble is, he won't come and fix the car now. GRRRR.

Luckily I've been SAVING money to buy a new AMC GREMLIN but all the AMC dealers have gone. WHY?! Gremlins are the coolest cars out there, unless you need load space, in which case you can't beat a HEARSE.

Someone suggested one of those MP3 player thingies as being really cool for it. Frankly I don't see what's WRONG with a record player on the back seat like everyone else has.

Travel

I like to travel. On the bus or on the train.

I'll probably sit next to you, even if there is plenty of space. Maybe I'll try to come home with you.

Here's something you can do: I like to pretend to fall ASLEEP and DROOL on the person sitting next to me. Most of the time they're too embarrased to try to move you off. I dribbled on someone for two hours once on the Amtrak. Their jacket a a HUGE damp patch all over the shoulder. I think they had a business meeting or something.

This is another GREAT trick to do on a long journey: wait until someone else falls asleep and start to sing.. but do it slightly out of KEY. Or do some raspy breathing but stop when they wake up. If you have some WATER or something, try making a damp patch on their trousers!! Heheh.