Hamsters

I had a hamster when I was a kid. It died.

That made me angry - my hamster shouldn't have died, that was wrong. BAD HAMSTER. So I decided no one else should have a hamster either. So I broke into the pet store and put poison in the hamster feed.

You shoulda heard the other kids crying.

I still have some in my collection of Dead Things.

Mice

Mice.. well lets put it this way between my CAT and the 73 MOUSE TRAPS I have about the place they stand NO CHANCE.
I know I have them NESTING in the walls.... I suppose I could have them EXTERMINATED but then I'd miss the sounds of the traps going off at night.
Besides, it's kinda fun to get LIVE ones and post them to neighbors through the mail. They don't always make it through ALIVE, either way it's still pretty funny!

Buckets

Buckets are great.. you can keep all sort of THINGS in them. Although it's probably best to throw them out if they die cuz they start to SMELL BAD.

I keep the buckets of things in the cellar. Last time the guy from the POWER COMPANY came by to check the meters, he went down into the cellar and came straight back up again, got in his TRUCK and drove off VERY quickly.

I reported him for driving TOO FAST.
Funny, they still haven't billed me yet. Ah well that's ENRON for yah.

Halloween

Mostly I like to stay IN for Halloween cuz it gets COLD outside.
Kiddies dressed up as GHOSTS and GHOULS don't scare me much anyway - besides you can have much more FUN inside..
I especially like TRICK or TREAT. When the kiddies call round I like to give them some special JELLO which is green (lime! yum!) and has what look like CANDY WORMS in it..
..only they AIN'T CANDY! If you get the timing right some of them will still be MOVING about some. Some of them hide in corners and RETCH for hours!!!
Anyway.. what's with this hollowed out HEAD thing with a candle in it? That's GROSS! What would you think if I scooped out a REAL HEAD and shoved a candle in it? That would be FUNNIER! Maybe I can get one from the graveyard!

Graveyards

To be honest these aren't FUN places to be at night cuz it's DARK and you might fall down a hole. And let me tell you, Buffy doesn't hang around in MY local graveyard.

Also I ain't never seen any vampires, zombies or otherwise UNDEAD hanging around. Sometimes I see people DIGGING for stuff. I leave them alone - they're a bit CREEPY.
Here's a good trick though: get some plastic hands from a joke shop or shop dummies or something and then PLANT them in the ground near the headstones. Man I never knew people could SCREAM so loud!

Uh oh yeah and an important thing to remember - never let your DOG eat anything it finds if you're taking it for a WALK.

Slugs

Slugs are kinda fun. They don't do much by themselves but you can lighten up a boring day with them.
For a while I used to work in a shoe shop. It was pretty dull, so I used to liven it up a bit by bringing slugs in and putting them in peoples shoes. Most of them never said anything even though they could feel the things OOZING between their toes. I don't work there any more.
Now I go to the park and climb up one of the trees. I'm pretty good at flicking the things and sunbathers now. They scream a lot.
Please note: slugs do not taste good. Do not try to eat them.

Cats

I have a CAT. It brings in DEAD THINGS.

But when I try to hold it, it scratches me and spits. That makes me ANGRY so I chase it with a broom.

I keep the Dead Things in the freezer in case I need them later. Some of them aren't always quite dead before I put them in. They sure are when they come out!!

It kinda looks after itself though. Which is good cuz I sometimes forget to feed it the right kind of slop. It doesn't LIKE what I eat. Oh year and FURBALLS are a real treat when you FIND 'em COUGHED UP in the dark with your BARE FEET.

I wonder if I should give my cat a name?

Dead things

Everybody keeps DEAD THINGS in their refrigerators so I don't know what all the fuss is about. Yeah OK it's mostly VEGETABLES and stuff.

There seems to be a great tradition on the INTERNET of listing the contents of people's refrigerators and freezer so here goes:

• A pack of super-economy hamburgers


• Two halves of cats (front ends)


• Frozen Pizza


• A skunk (fresh)


• Three groundhogs


• 37 Eggs


• Six deep-frozen hamsters


• Slugs and snails


• Puppy dogs tails


• A hubcab from an AMC Gremlin


• Entrails (mixed)


• Enbalming fluid (six pack)


• Microwave fries


• A locked metal box, contents unknown


• String


• K-Y jelly (plain, not flavored)


• Jello (flavored, not plain)