Sex

There's far too much SEX on TV and the Internet. Nasty deviant stuff. I was shocked at how easy it was to get hold of once I'd borrowed the AMEX from my former employer along with the CEO's laptop.
I started by searching for SUSAN SARANDON NAKED but frankly there wasn't much to see, so I tried the CEO's search history instead.
Wowsers. I didn't understand most of it.
RUBBER NUNS
PIGEON FANCIERS
NASAL SEX
CONDOLEEZZA RICE NUDE
LATEX GIMP OUTFITS
REMOTE CONTROL CHASTITY BELTS
PINK SLIPS
The last one seemed to be the most disturbing. So I decided to watch the DISCOVERY CHANNEL which appears to be a CRADLE OF BESTIALITY or something. At least I now understand

Hamsters

I had a hamster when I was a kid. It died.

That made me angry - my hamster shouldn't have died, that was wrong. BAD HAMSTER. So I decided no one else should have a hamster either. So I broke into the pet store and put poison in the hamster feed.

You shoulda heard the other kids crying.

I still have some in my collection of Dead Things.

Mice

Mice.. well lets put it this way between my CAT and the 73 MOUSE TRAPS I have about the place they stand NO CHANCE.
I know I have them NESTING in the walls.... I suppose I could have them EXTERMINATED but then I'd miss the sounds of the traps going off at night.
Besides, it's kinda fun to get LIVE ones and post them to neighbors through the mail. They don't always make it through ALIVE, either way it's still pretty funny!

Slugs

Slugs are kinda fun. They don't do much by themselves but you can lighten up a boring day with them.
For a while I used to work in a shoe shop. It was pretty dull, so I used to liven it up a bit by bringing slugs in and putting them in peoples shoes. Most of them never said anything even though they could feel the things OOZING between their toes. I don't work there any more.
Now I go to the park and climb up one of the trees. I'm pretty good at flicking the things and sunbathers now. They scream a lot.
Please note: slugs do not taste good. Do not try to eat them.

Cats

I have a CAT. It brings in DEAD THINGS.

But when I try to hold it, it scratches me and spits. That makes me ANGRY so I chase it with a broom.

I keep the Dead Things in the freezer in case I need them later. Some of them aren't always quite dead before I put them in. They sure are when they come out!!

It kinda looks after itself though. Which is good cuz I sometimes forget to feed it the right kind of slop. It doesn't LIKE what I eat. Oh year and FURBALLS are a real treat when you FIND 'em COUGHED UP in the dark with your BARE FEET.

I wonder if I should give my cat a name?

Dogs

They say a dog is a man's best friend. Well let me TELL YOU PAL - NO FREAKING FRIEND OF MINE EATS HIS DINNER OFF THE FLOOR. (Apart from CLYDE that is but then he has ISSUES with tables. Weird guy if you ask me).

WOOF FREAKIN' WOOF. Watch out for the CHILLI-COATED FRISBEE, FIDO! Harharhar.
Frankly what use is a DOG anyway? If I wanna FRIGHTEN the MAILMAN I can do it MYSELF.

I'm pretty good at chasing CATS too come to think of it.
(By the way I found out that a HOT DOG should contain no actual real DOG)

Smoking

Yeah yeah that's REAL CLEVER cuz it's a really good idea to pump all that TOXIC WASTE through your lungs.
You may as well go set fire to some CAR TIRES and just inhale that instead. Plus it makes you smell REAL BAD.
I saw those pictures of animals made to smoke on TV so I tried it on my CAT. It nearly took my freaking ARM off. That's how dangerous smoking is!!!
PS: I found that a lot of people want to see PICTURES of ANIMALS SMOKING. You can find my favorite picture of smoking animals RIGHT HERE.