Swine Flu CONSPIRACY

Whatever you've heard about this SWINE FLU thing is WRONG. Turns out that there is a huge conspiracy to cover up what is REALLY happening.

I read this on the web, so it must be TRUE. This H1N1 thing turns people into ZOMBIES. Yeah, really ZOMBIES. That's why there's so much panic over it.

I asked my friend Clyde about it. He was pretty hard to understand cuz he was COUGHING and SNEEZING a lot. He said it was all true because he'd read it on the web somewhere.

So I'm gonna HOLE UP in my apartment with all the TINNED FOOD I can find. I'm not allowed to have FIREARMS so I'm gonna improvise something with LEAD PELLETS and a VACUUM CLEANER. Those zombies better WATCH OUT!

O'Bama

I am still trying to catch up with stuff after being away. This new Irish guy, O'BAMA seems to be a good friend to America. I often see him talking about stuff going on over here. Perhaps he doesn't have enough to do in the EMERALD ISLE?

Back from "sabbatical"

So, I've been away for a little while.

One day I suppose I will look back at it all and laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" I will go. "HAHAHAHAHAHA".

It is important to keep your spirits up. So, I have been on sabbatical for a couple of years in a caribbean resort at the taxpayer's expense.

The story starts like this. I had completely run outta clean clothes, and the only thing I had left was my ORANGE JUMPSUIT from the funfair. Clean clothers are important. With my interests they get grubby real quick.

Anyway as it turns out I had run outta razor blades too. I was kinda stubbly. Kinda six months stubbly. Anyway, there was nothing for it but I was gonna have to visit my MOM on the bus with a big bag of LAUNDRY cuz the Gremlin was still broke.

It gets a bit vague after that. I must have fallen asleep, but the next thing I knew I was on a plane to Gitmo. Something about mistaken identity they said later. A really LONG TIME LATER in fact. A REALLY REALLY LONG TIME LATER.

Anyway, I'm back and the nice men in the black SUVs paid the back rent for my apartment, got me a new computer with something called VISTA which is really cool apart from the SUCKY BITS which it turns out it ALL OF IT. They also said that I would get the next AMC GREMLIN off the production line which is nice.

Sex

There's far too much SEX on TV and the Internet. Nasty deviant stuff. I was shocked at how easy it was to get hold of once I'd borrowed the AMEX from my former employer along with the CEO's laptop.
I started by searching for SUSAN SARANDON NAKED but frankly there wasn't much to see, so I tried the CEO's search history instead.
Wowsers. I didn't understand most of it.
RUBBER NUNS
PIGEON FANCIERS
NASAL SEX
CONDOLEEZZA RICE NUDE
LATEX GIMP OUTFITS
REMOTE CONTROL CHASTITY BELTS
PINK SLIPS
The last one seemed to be the most disturbing. So I decided to watch the DISCOVERY CHANNEL which appears to be a CRADLE OF BESTIALITY or something. At least I now understand

Hamsters

I had a hamster when I was a kid. It died.

That made me angry - my hamster shouldn't have died, that was wrong. BAD HAMSTER. So I decided no one else should have a hamster either. So I broke into the pet store and put poison in the hamster feed.

You shoulda heard the other kids crying.

I still have some in my collection of Dead Things.

Mice

Mice.. well lets put it this way between my CAT and the 73 MOUSE TRAPS I have about the place they stand NO CHANCE.
I know I have them NESTING in the walls.... I suppose I could have them EXTERMINATED but then I'd miss the sounds of the traps going off at night.
Besides, it's kinda fun to get LIVE ones and post them to neighbors through the mail. They don't always make it through ALIVE, either way it's still pretty funny!

Alcohol

Yeah well I used to drink I admit.

It's kinda EXPENSIVE though, I used to spend a lot of money at the liquor store and they sort of insisted that I pay for stuff, sometimes by waving a HANDGUN at me. Well there's no freaking need for that I would tell them.

After that I used to bum some THUNDERBIRD and stuff off vagrants. It was OK but you had to put it in a beaker or something cuz the next of the bottle tasted all CHEESY.

Trouble is if you have too much of the stuff you can't remember what you've been up to and frankly you can wake up in a strange tree in a strange neighborhood too many times. And I damn near broke my binoculars too.

There's gotta be a better way to relax I told myself, but then I found that Leave it to Beaver is on TV 4 times a day which is pretty cool.